I accidentally had phone sex last night
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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