things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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