is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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