she woke up with a sticky ear
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
