then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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