Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
