How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i love accidental penises.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
