I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize