We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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