No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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