my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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