my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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