she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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