Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize