So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize