just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
