She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
