allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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