how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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