In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
