On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
