if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
