My room smells like vodka and shame
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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