According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
