I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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