i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
