1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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