cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
