Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My penis needs a shock collar
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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