so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
