did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize