Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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