I wish I could teleport
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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