GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize