I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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