He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
