Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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