At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
