Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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