I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
