Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
