She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
