What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
