May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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