My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
