I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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