I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
