I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
