The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
