my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
