there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
