Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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