I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
