my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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