Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
