then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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