Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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