i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
